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Friday, August 19, 2011

Living in Fear...How To Cope? Part 4

Jewel of wisdom du jour: "Abuse is the weapon of the vulgar." - Samuel Griswold Goodrich

Last week we spoke about early learning experiences being a huge factor in someones becoming abusive in their adult lives.We also mentioned a few other things that can cause someone to grow up believing that abusive behavior is acceptable....even normal.

This week we're going to briefly discuss how economic stress and or lack of social or personal support can cause someone to be abusive.

Think about your own personal situation for a second. Not to say you're an abuser or being abused...but think of the economical stress you find yourself under with the way this economy is currently. Now hopefully you are able to handle economic problems better than lashing out at your loved ones, but that's exactly what some people do. There are many people who can't or don't know how to handle economic problems from an emotional standpoint. Not knowing how to cope when things get rough, they lash out at their partner when their partner truly ISN'T the issue! Sometimes these abusive persons feel that since they're the one carrying the brunt of the economic responsibility that they can act however they wish, and that's just not acceptable and shouldn't be tolerated.

These same people tend to feel a lack of social or emotional support from those closest to them. This is also an extremely flawed mentality to have because this kind of behavior won't do anything except alienate those closest to them...and cause them to withdraw further and further away from them until they're left alone. I'm not one who's big on using medication in order to force behavioral modifications, however, in these instances it may be necessary. As stated before, these ones tend to have very low self-esteem and self-image issues and this causes them to look at situations completely different than the average normal person.

Well then, what should be your reaction to being treated in such a way?

I'm not one who's big on violence, so I wouldn't recommend using violence or threats of violence, because all that will do is instigate more violence. I'm am however a big advocate for explaining how someones actions are making you feel and making sure they understand that if they continue to treat you in this manner then you won't be around for much longer to take their abuse.

When is enough.....enough?
The next step is actually following through on what you just stated. Give them a chance to change their ways (if they even say that they're going to try), but don't be a fool about it. Don't continue giving chance after chance after chance. There HAS TO BE A STOPPING POINT, where you decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! No one can make that decision for you....and you don't want to make that decision too late. Your life could very well depend on it!

Have the strength and courage to follow through on your necessity to leave them because of their abuse. Deciding it's time to walk away and doing it isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is when this person contacts you and begs for your forgiveness and pleads telling you "they've changed". What are you going to do?

This is where the biggest dilemma comes in. It's natural for people to want to believe that the person they care so deeply for....the person they love has changed because of the absence of you in their lives. It's almost heartwarming to know that they've "realized" how wrong they were and have already begun changing. What needs to be a warning reminder though is that abusers don't become abusers overnight, it's taken some time for them to become the person they are....and it's going to take time as well for them to change who that person is; And it's going to take more than two see a positive emotional, character change in them. I'm not in the business of telling people "how" to live their lives....I just make logical recommendations, and whether people choose to listen to them is up to them. So I won't say that it's NOT a good idea to take an abuser back who says and shows through actions that have changed and are continuing to change. However, be wary of jumping back into things full swing, take your time and start feeling that person out again before committing again. And like I mindful of their actions...not their words. Because through their actions, you'll see whether their behavior/attitude/character has or is being modified for the better.

Remember....."You're Worth It."

1 comment:

  1. Great post...

    I can relate to this b/c I have been under so much stress, which eventually left me in the jospital for a couple of days. You never understand how well you can value your life/ how little something is until you end up in the emergency room.. I learned that whatever the situation is/it isn;t that serious..